Hold on to what's real

My Chiu,

I can hardly guess what the world will be like when you're all grown up. I might end up sounding a little froppy right now, but bear with me love . I wrote this in 2015 after all :) Back in this age and time, we've had intriguing literature and movies about magic, alternate technological realities and while all this felt like a dream just a couple of years back, I think it's become real.

This is how I look at it- there's the real world where we physically live and there's an alternative world where we live mentally and sometimes emotionally. The second world is often aided by technology, its largely online like this blog where I will hopefully live for you long after I am physically gone. Just like the Harry Potter books - dead people moving around and talking in photos!!

Now I think my challenge and more so yours is going to be able to distinguish between the real and reel. The imaginary world aided by technology will always be better; reality won't stand a chance against the colors you paint with your mind after all. But what's important to realize is that life is happening in the real world ! I know I suck at this myself, but think about it for a minute. Real people and real emotions, things and memories that you will cherish forever - all of these are real.

So what I am saying here is ... Always stop a moment and pinch yourself, ask if this is real, if this is going to last. And I'll tell you a trick!:) imagine the universe, the milky way, the earth, the continent , country, town and finally see you in all this milieu..... Look at it from 100 feet above the ground and chances are you'll be able to see things as they really are!

Tough one this one, but I know you'll ace it.

Kisses
Momma

When you shut the door on me

Precious Chiu, 

One day when you will, (and it is my hope that you do) open and read this blog, when you choose you reach out to me in your own space, time and at your own pace, I want you to know that it is hurtful when you walk away. It feels like an incomplete sentence, like marmalade not properly set, when you walk away and slam the door in the middle of a conversation. 

I like full blooded, almost obese fights. There is satisfaction in those. When we have punched each other just enough and we fall back laughing and together, I am almost glad that we disagreed. It makes us so much closer and so much warmer. The door slamming.... well, its like a cold shower on a Delhi winter day, potent with its sharp pang, leaves one panting for warmth..... 

Talk to me darling, always.... don't walk out on me, I can hardly handle it. I have an issue with commas, pauses and semicolons, I like full stops:) 

All my love

Mumma 

The War of Wits and Looking beyond

Chiu darling,

You and me, sometimes I grin (and grimace!) at just how much we fight everyday over everything :) It's almost hilarious. From eating, to bathing, to sitting... .walking, talking ... clothes... blah.... blah.... its well so tiring, frustrating and all of that. Me and your nani almost pretty much did the same thing and I am trying to understand why this happens and this is what I think so far ...

Children are, you know, a younger, fresher and perhaps better version of parents. Its like how fruits gr
ow- A mango growing on a mango tree will always be a mango, it will look like a mango, taste like a mango, and smell like a mango, it won't definitely be a banana. By that analogy, you grew up in my tummy and so you are so much like me. This is the most difficult part and I will try and explain it to you.

I turn 35 this year and I know myself much better than I did when I was ten. Most days I am able to spot pot holes in the road before I fall in them (LOL). Ya, so a lot greyer, balder, fatter!! than I was at ten, may be not wiser!! but more thoughtful. So when  I looked at your and my relationship, I stepped back and also looked at nani and me. What I saw scared me.... In different generations, different lifespans and as different people, we had made THE SAME life altering choices at almost the same points in our lives. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret it, but I understand a little more.... that unless equipped, it is quite very likely that you will make the same choices and that will defeat the point, the point of evolving.

I think all parents face the same dilemma, of knowing that if their child took a certain turn they will fall because there is a pothole there which the child cannot see just then and so on . Parents know better because they've been there, been 10 and done the same things. By all means don't listen to me, but do stop and look beyond the bend... take a minute to contemplate the consequences, then choose.

My point is not to get you to obey but to get you to make informed choices. Collect information, visualize and then decide.

Be you. You will always be my precious best.
Love, Mumma

Talking .... some more...

Hi Chia,

This talking thing... it bothers me, and I'll tell you why.
I see, hear and feel me in you. And you'll hear me saying this pretty much all the time!! I know it must be the most irritating thing for you, but it scares the hell out of me. I'll try and explain why. When I see you doing things that I do or did, I pretty much know the consequences and so its like... I can see you taking your first step towards falling in a ditch and trust me it makes me react violently, more violently than I probably should and I am working on it.

That's why the talking thing again. You see I've hurt the dearest people in my life by taking the way I do. Talking is so much more about people we want as listeners than just about the speaker. Because we want people to understand, respect, and react the way we expect when we talk to them, it is all the more important that we talk in a manner acceptable by these people. It means speaking in a tone, volume and with words which are more acceptable by the listener. This will help us. Being able to gauge how that person who you are going to talk to is feeling is very critical to your talking. What this means is that if you ask me for eating chocolate when I am already  angry about something, you most likely will not get any chocolate. But if you hold on your request for a most peaceful time, your chances of getting that chocolate may just double.

Think about it...

Speak slowly, gently and respectfully my child :)

Love
Mummy

What I want you to be .....

Darling Chiu,

As today and just as the day I held you for the first time, I didn't dream of you to be a doctor, a singer,  an engineer or an artist. Neither did I dream for you to be rich, famous or successful.  Instead what I do always wish for you is a kind heart, an open mind, and an ability to love unconditionally.  I dream that there may be abundance for you to always share, that life may bring all moments some sweet some sour and that you may learn to enjoy and value both. I hope that you may have patience and fortitude,  that you may thirst to learn and be willing to unlearn and that you may be blessed to both learn and create something new everyday.

Most of all I want you to be a better me.

Be what you will, do as you please. Soar high, bow low and live graciously and gratefully.

Love
Mummy

Why I ask you to study

Chia,

I like the idiom "cultivate the mind". For me, education is so much of cultivation, quite literally. It's like what a farmer does, you till the land, sow the seed, harvest, and till again and again and again. I like the tilling bit. It's earthy and real and it's also in my opinion the most powerful bit about learning, the unlearning bit. To explain to you, it's like how we move from one class to another learning almost similar concepts. Each time, in each higher class we question and build upon what was learnt in the previous class. From whatever I have studied in the formal education system, I think it was basically driving me to this point where I could learn to create new knowledge by thinking about what I learnt and supplementing it with my own knowledge and imagination. It's powerful and liberating when you create new knowledge . The feeling is breathtaking.

But to get to this point my love, you have to practice and train your mind in the art of thinking. You will have to till, sow and harvest and continue to do so, hopefully and perhaps all your life. Never stop learning my dear, however old you may be. Always seek and accept knowledge, not only from those you are older and wiser but the younger ones, they have a treasure trove of curiosity. Cherish this curiosity, your own and theirs. Explore, discover, live dream and learn. Learn some
thing new, anything, everyday.

Study to train your mind. Learn math for logic, revel in the languages because they hold the keys to all knowledge. In science use your five senses, in humanities learn carefully about our world and where we came from. Cultivate your mind my love, for only then will you have any crop to harvest!

Love
Mummy

Not perfect- just unique

Dear Chia,

There are many kinds of people in the world and all of them have a pulse their own; every single person is unique and special even when they are not like you. We tend to judge people by our perceptions of ourselves- people are mostly not good enough. Is that really the case ? Who sets these measures? And what if everyone was just alike ? Imagine what a dreary place the world would have been!

Just because someone is dissimilar doesn't make them imperfect or bad. It's the perfect that is unreal and untrustworthy. Real world like real people is full of bumps and nicks, each one adding more to character, telling stories of a life well lived. Never judge people, instead marvel at them. Express wonder and surprise but don't ever criticise. Enjoy lightheartedness just as you enjoy dreary intellectual discourses. Don't typecast even your own self. Remain fluid, change, move with time and tide, experiment with moods, emotions and personas. It's intriguing and fulfilling.

I once knew a colleague who would have the whole room laughing the second she entered it. Almost all of the time that I knew her, I looked at her with great derision constantly ridiculing her as a lesser intellect being. It was only later that I appreciated the full measure of the amazing impact she had on people. Years after both of us had left our respective jobs, people remembered her easy laugh and not my multifarious business contributions :).

Accept people for who they are. After all , there is only one of them.
Like you .... Are one of a kind.

Love
Mummy 

Anger

Darling Chia,

Its difficult to talk  to you about anger, for no one probably gets as angry as I do :) Nonetheless, its important to talk about it. Anger my love, is basically the frustration people feel when they don't have their own way, righteous or otherwise. One cannot really have their own way all the time, because life is composed of multitude of interactions with many people, most of whom are located beyond our locus of control. Since we cannot control or exactly affect them or what they think or do, we cannot consequently control how they make us feel. There is hence oftentimes a loss of emotional control that one may experience. 

But are we really that helpless? Is there something that we can control?

The answer is that the one variable that can be controlled is self own reaction. It is the power of choosing one's reaction and exercising the power of choice in the millisecond between stimulus and response. Now that's powerful. Its potent because it  not only allows one to choose reaction, but renders others powerless - they no longer can play with your emotions or emotionally blackmail you or play the games that people usually do. And while you exercise the power of choice, ask and find out what is leading to that anger directed at you. Rectify where change is needed and where you can change; and forgive where you can't.

And when you get angry, remember to breathe.
Breathe deep and long, keep quiet and take a long walk. No force is as powerful and destructive as anger. It destroys people and relationships, but most of all it destroys the angry people. Get angry by all means, but harness the tremendous energy of anger in something useful- create, walk exercise... find your own outlet.

There is more to the wonderful you that meets the eye. You will always be my beloved chia; even when I get angry :)

Love
Mummy 

Talk carefully...

Chiu baby,

We get understood and misunderstood the moment we open our mouth :)
The power of words and what others make of our words is truly amazing. That is why it is so important to consider what the receiver of your communication is going to perceive your communication as. What this means is if you want to tell me that you need a two minute break, saying that you are tired of studying doesn't help. It makes me angry because well you never want to study:) Life would be simpler if you just said - mom, I need a short break. (It really is this simple!)

Likewise in writing. Keep your audience in mind and then write. Read what you have written, edit and rewrite till you know that it can't be misinterpreted in any way.

Remember, that words are the expressions of our soul. Use them carefully, use them wisely, use them to create joy and lessen pain and most important of all use them sparingly. In moments of doubt, anger or frustration, keep quiet. It will save you more trouble than you can possibly imagine.

Talk a lot to this one person - yourself. There is no power greater than that of reflection, of thinking, assimilating and then creating anew. Discover the old (through reading, insightful conversations )and create anew.

And always my love, talk to me; even when  I don't seemingly understand. I love you more everyday in every way .

Mummy 

Friends

Chia,

You are at such a wondrous time and age!
I know this has been a tough one and one that hurts. We changed cities at a time when you were just settling in with friends and I know that you have felt lost ever since.

I know that it is tough and often heartbreaking, but the thing about friendship is that it takes time. Give yourself time and also give time to people who judge you today, watch you with suspicion, because you are but the newcomer. They feel threatened, they feel lost too. Give them space, allow them to discover you just as you discover them.

And then when you do, choose your friends carefully. Have all kinds of friends, close ones, funny ones, the dominating ones, the timid ones, the gifted ones and even the shy and silent ones. But have honest friends, friends who like you for who you are and not for what you have. Just this, use this as your scale and you will not often go wrong.

In times that you feel lonely, friendless or lost, look back at us. We remain your forever loving friends and you will always have a smile and a warm hug to come back home to.

Mummy

Be kind

Be kind my little one.

To those who have and more to those who do not.
Don't pity people, but empathise to understand where people are coming from. Educate yourself on circumstances and situations that people are passing through and don't judge them. Instead be kind.

Always have a smile for the weary and a warm hug for the sad. Use charity with caution and extend help when it is really needed and truly deserved. Most of all keep an open mind and a giving heart.

Stay blessed
Mummy

Happiness and choosing it

Chia my love,

Remember the fights we have almost everyday? With both of us pulling in opposing directions, you wanting to ponder, play or while away and me trying to load you with the burden of living??

Thus is life.

Life is a buffet while you are young, hale, hearty and beautiful as you are my dear. But choose with caution. Remember that the choices that you make will remain and that if you eat too much dessert you will not only be hungry again soon, but will also be unwell. So eat a bit of everything, do everything that your heart wants and also the things that you don't really want. Most of all, remember to learn everyday with everything.

Sometimes, you have to let the little happiness go to make space for greater joy to walk in. It's like not buying a small chocolate today and saving up for the big craft set you've been pining for :). Weigh the odds my love, and most of all look forward, weigh consequences, choose for happiness that will last you.

Mummy.

Being yours

Aishwaryaa Chia Jain

My Chia,

It is yet profound for me everyday that you chose me to be born to, to be your mother. As I stumble, walk along, sometimes fall, on this path of parenthood, I want us both to cherish this lifetime and its immense opportunity for togetherness. You are a pristine flower that I hold within the cup of my heart and may you always have the largesse to view your mothers love, her deeds, actions and sometimes inaction with charity; for my task of parenting you is nothing short of momentous because you are but a wonder to behold.

God bless you my daughter.
I will always love you

Mom